"Too Much Birthday"

Before The Berenstain Bears was a popular kids' show on YTV, it was a very collectable book series written around valuable life lessons that every kid needs.  In one of my favorites, Sister Bear has 'Too Much Birthday' and it's all because of Papa Bear, who just wants the best for his little girl.  I get it, I get it all too well.  Thanks Stan and Jan - you taught me something before I even realized I needed to be taught something!

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I have many fond birthday party memories from my childhood.  I remember waiting on the front step in my party dress and I remember choosing which cake, Mom was going to make: cat, bear or butterfly. I remember worrying about the correct Cotton Candy to Cream Soda Pic-a-Pop ratio and later, I remember worrying about which 8 kids would be the best popularity combination to invite.  When I started having sleepovers, I remember my Dad losing his mind over *MY* volume level at 1:00 AM and All Dressed chips still remind me of ‘morning after’ snacks, especially if they’re good and stale.  My birthday is June 28, most often my party was also a ‘school’s out’ celebration.  They were fun!  And they were simple.

My 8th birthday. 

Both my girls were born in the fall.  Fall babies are great because you can hibernate when they’re newborns and because they save you a bit of childcare money too.  The disadvantage to that is your kid will be one of the first in the school year to have a birthday party.  No pressure, Mom.

My sister's 3rd birthday.

Big C’s first ‘kid’ birthday party was in Kindergarten.  We invited one school friend (the only Mom I had gotten to know in the short one month) two preschool friends and the other 4 were life friends.  They came over, we wore fancy outfits, played homemade fancy games, ate a fancy lunch and called it a day.  Two hours and a whole lot of fancy.  Cheap, quick, fun.

My kid is extremely friendly (and probably outright asks for invitations on the playground) so she has been invited to many parties in her two full years of school.  In grade 1, she was invited to 18 parties!  There are 60 students in her grade at her school, which averages an entirely new class each year for the past three.  Out of the 16 parties she attended last year, only two were in-home.  Despite my best efforts to set the bar at simple in the beginning of each year, in the past 3 years, I am quite sure my kid has been to every birthday party venue the city has to offer!

What is up with that Moms?  I mean, renting the Y or the community centre due to lack of space or the world’s largest family is one thing, but I’ve looked into the prices of some of these places and I’ve got to tell you, they do NOT fit into our birthday party budget!  By the time we spend $15-20/gift on all her friends’ parties, there is not a whole lot left for her party!  When did this start happening?

Is it because the schools have taken on this ‘all inclusive’ policy where you can’t send the invitations to school unless you’re going to invite the whole class?  Is it because every savvy businessman in the city has added a birthday party package to every possible activity/venue available?  I understand the simplicity of showing up somewhere and writing a cheque when it’s all said and done, but you still have to coordinate food, and cake and even if you don’t, that is one. big. ass. cheque!  I know you want it to stop!  Let's all stop together!

Kids don’t need all the fluff that comes with birthday parties these days.  They want to be the centre of attention among their friends for a few hours, they want to eat junk food, and they want a group of people they love to sing to them for 30 seconds.  The fluff is for the parents’ Facebook account! (Guilty, as charged.)  

And I don’t really feel like hearing ‘Well, you’re at home...’  Because I hear that, waaaaaaaaaaay too often and quite frankly, I can never find the words to argue this point without it sounding like ‘blah blah blah, I swear I don’t watch stories and eat bon bons all day’ (OK, clearly another blog post is needed...I digress)  I grew up with the ‘Latch Key’ generation and out of (actually) all my friends, I had the only Stay at Home Mom.  I went to ONE bowling lane birthday party, ONE baseball in the park birthday, ONE movie theatre party and ONE McDonald’s party before I was 10.  All the others were home parties.  We painted faces, played musical chairs, ate boiled hot dogs, sniffed smelly markers until our noses were black, and ONCE my friend even had a piñata!!!  We might be ‘busier’ than we were in the 80’s but seriously, this ‘no time’ excuse is getting pretty frickin’ old.

We put Big C’s party together this year in approximately 6 hours from planning to take down for under $150.  We prepared for 12 kids and partied with 10.  I’ve priced out a couple different venues and a similar party would easily be double that amount, with crap food & junkie goodie bags.

How did we do it?  For the finer details, make sure to come back for next week’s post, but I will say this:  I have a BD who has worn a top hat to serve tea, has hand drawn a Pin the Tail on the Whale game AND he specializes in 20 minute party clean ups.  He does it all without dropping his wine glass too!  I have sisters who will help if I ask, a well stocked pantry and a daycare craft cupboard. 

 

Even with my ‘keep it simple’ goal, I still stress out every year about the guest list; I never want any of the kids to feel left out!  But when I realized that I was worrying about it more than Big C, I gave her a number and within minutes she gave me her list.  She also told me that she’ll just have to tell some of her friends that her Mom said 10.  Holy shit – am I raising a reasonable human being who can solve her own problems?  And guess what?  I think YOU are too!  Seriously, let's all cut back on the guest list together!  OK?

We gave in last year, and let Little C have a ‘kid’ birthday party a year earlier than Big C did.  Ask the other Moms how thrown together it was.  I literally hung one streamer, served grilled cheese sandwiches and all they did was play.  She was sooooo happy when they sang to her!  She STILL talks about her Superman cake!  This year, she asked for a tea party, a total of 5 friends and her special supper on ‘family day’ will be chicken noodle soup. 

Mom did it for me.  Now it's my turn!

I guess what I’m trying to say here is a couple things.  First, THANK YOU to every parent who has thrown a party at an extravagant venue.  You have given my kid experiences that she for sure would not have had otherwise.  She always comes home happy and tired!  Second, the kids have loads of fun no matter what type of party you put on, because they just want to be together, so don’t stress out about budget, or fluff or anything above and beyond what you loved as a kid.  Because I really, really, really, really, really, really believe that if we all just tone it down in the parenting community and keep things a little more simple, life will get easier.  Also – don’t forget, only a few years left of this, then we move into SLEEPOVERS!!!!!

Looking for more sanity?  I can make you feel normal every day if you stop by my Facebook Page!  www.facebook.com/mommydoesntsharechocolate  

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S
 

The Best Unwanted Advice I Can Give You

I have been sitting on this write up for weeks.  I really wanted this piece to be perfectly written for you.  But then I remembered that I’ve been writing for ME and that while this whole blog business is probably pretty enjoyable for you guys, at the end of the day, this Mama uses this process as a bit of therapy.  And obviously, by process, I mean scribbling notes while eating the Kit Kat bars I bought 6 weeks early for Halloween, and drinking wine straight from the bottle because I am too lazy to run upstairs and get a glass.  It's long.  Here we go.

I recently came across the Advice Book my Mom passed around at the Baby Shower she put on for us when we had Big C.  I was very happy that day and as a new Mom, I was extremely excited to read that book!  YAAAAAAAAAY!  SOMEONE IS FINALLY GOING TO TEACH ME HOW TO BE A MOM!

• Babies love to be swaddled.
• Put a warm water bottle in baby’s crib for a few minutes before you put her in it.
• Treasure every moment, they grow far too fast.
• Always take corners in 2nd gear, when you’re driving a standard car.  (I have some very funny friends!)
• If you can’t figure out what’s wrong, put her in the tub!  Babies love water!
• Take time for yourself.
• A rounded pair of scissors is a must-have for the change table.  Sometimes you’ve just got to cut the poop off!
• Sleep when she sleeps.
• Just follow your heart.

Did you roll your eyes at that last one too?  I know I did when I first read it!  Then I became unreasonably annoyed.  Why couldn’t Mom’s friends have given me something more usable?  What the hell does ‘follow your heart’ even mean?  I was 24, with no Mommy friends, and at the time, my selfish “heart” was telling me to leave Big C with my Mom for the weekend so I could get some damn sleep!  Follow your heart!  Yeesh!

Fast forward, 6 years later.

Nine of my friends joined the Mommy ranks in 2013.  AND BOY WERE THEY LUCKY TO HAVE ME!  As a six year vet of the Mommy Club, I could give them all the advice and guidance they needed!  I knew the best baby gadgets to own and I could confidently offer my babysitting services because, “I’ve done this already!”  Plus, I give THE BEST baby gifts.  I like to give books and I spent a TON of time at McNally Robinson.  I noticed something very interesting at McNally last year though and in turn, came to a very crazy realization.  Between what I’ve forgotten and how things have changed, I’m not the pro I thought I was!

It seems as though there have been some super savvy Moms joining the dark side in the past 6 years!  They are seriously CASHING IN!  McNally has an entire section of their store dedicated to parenting crap!  When Little C was born, Sophie the Giraffe was all the rage, but have you seen the shelves now?  This is just the tip of the iceberg you guys:  Breast feeding cover-ups, breast feeding SHIRTS, mesh bags for teething babies that you put frozen fruit in, fabric snack bags, leather/magnetic bibs, LUG Diaper Bags, designer swaddling blankets, 70 thousand different baby carriers, bottle warmers...

Some of it is quite genius – the leather magnetic bib for example – I hope that Mompreneur gets as rich as the Spanx lady!  But some of it is just crappy baby paraphernalia you might use for 6 months and then store away and forget about it until the new and improved version comes along and you buy it instead.

Skip ahead a bit – to NOW.  

I think many Moms think that asking questions might make others think that you have no idea what they’re doing.  And I think that is why so many Mommys have a problem with ‘unwanted advice.’  They think that if someone is offering advice, it might look like they need it.  And if they ASK FOR IT?  Oh Man!  What will people think?  Things worked a little different for me though.  I had no issues asking questions and telling people I was scrambling.  

But even with my stories of mistakes and screw ups, my New to Mommy-hood friends still asked me about a couple things.  

One friend asked me how long I irrationally cried about stupid things while postpartum.  I willingly shared that Little C was 8 months when BD came home from work to find me crying in the closet for the last time, but I am still known to explode with emotion every 3 months or so.  As Mommys our hormones are screwed up for life and sometimes I’m a complete psycho path.

Another asked me if I thought she was normal for wanting to go back to work so bad.  I told her how I spent my entire maternity leave waiting for the moment when I didn’t want to go back to work. When it didn’t come, for a brief second, I felt like a bad Mom, and then I got in the car and was 45 minutes early for work for the first 3 months I was back.  N-O-R-M-A-L!  

But normal questions aside, I’ve got two major pieces of advice that I want to share with the world.  Wanted or not.  And once you hear me out, I think you will agree that they will make a difference for you.

Unwanted Advice Part I

The first is about the ‘stuff’.  Mostly because no one has ever asked me about it, so I really just want to voice my opinion.  STOP BUYING THE STUFF!  There is nothing in the baby/parenting specialty stores that you neeeeeeeeed to raise a baby.  You don’t need the $600 jumping/swinging/vibrating contraption and you don’t need the fancy schmancy nursery with the change table, and coordinated wall decals and window coverings.  Gifts are one thing, but society is spending way too much money on baby crap.  Stick to the basics and keep it simple.   Borrow, swap, give, loan.  Put the money towards college or spend it when they’re old enough to enjoy it!  Less stuff also helps the environment and I know as parents, you’re all concerned about the effects of our over consumption of everything on our planet.

Unwanted Advice Part II

I just came back from NYC and I had a secret fantasy that Brandon from Humans of New York would find me in Central Park and ask me what advice I would give to a huge group of people and I would share my next thought. Maybe next time.

When we started feeding Big C solid foods (spring 2008), I spoke with her pediatrician and picked up the book A Baby’s Table because I fully intended to make all her food myself.  At the time, the recommendations were cereals mixed with formula for iron, starting with rice and introducing more complex grains weekly until ready for other foods.  Then we started with sweet potatoes and other root vegetables, moving in to fruit and then meat, which we needed to mix with root vegetables so she’d eat.  No allergens were introduced until after 12 months.  No egg, nuts, strawberries, cow’s milk or honey, because it will increase their chances of developing a food allergy.

When I met with our pediatrician when Little C was ready for solid foods, I actually corrected her because I thought she misspoke when she told me to start with meat.  Still no allergens until after 12 months.

Now, with baby lead weaning being a popular parenting trend, parents are choosing to go with cubed cooked vegetables and fruit first, while pediatricians are still recommending the meat.   The difference THIS time around, is everyone is introducing allergens sooner, so babies have a better chance of developing immunity and fighting food allergies.

In the seven years that I have been a Mom, the solid food recommendations have changed three times.  Hospitals are no longer encouraging parents to swaddle and car seat guidelines are constantly being updated too. Do you understand what I am trying to say?  In the world of ‘How to raise a baby,’ nobody has a CLUE what is going on.  What it boils down to is this:  YOU NEED TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART.  You need to listen to your gut.  About everything!  The words sound like a cheesy, ‘I couldn’t think of anything’ line, written in an Advice Book from a baby shower, but I tell you what, looking back now, that was the single best piece of advice I received.  I really, REALLY hope you read this and that it doesn’t take you long to see that I’m right.  That YOU are right.  Because no matter what, you want to do what is best for you and your children and now more than ever we have the ability to educate ourselves.

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S